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the blue box

by themindbodyhearts

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1.
i'm nervous about being beyond being a product of social influence being a being is uncomfortable sometimes
2.
chalk dust 02:41
chalk dust enters my lungs powdered snowflakes take my breath away all these dreams of lust i cannot touch (meanwhile) cog shattering indifference & i'm sinking to the floor these hardwood depths & i'll sink 'til i return to a tree the ghost of my deception is a cunning fickle beast i found her one time but i was too far gone ; i needed sleep it's chalk dust now it's a misty haiku waiting for the rain to wash it to the ocean where it will be chewed for eternity there was a time when i thought that i might not die but the earth will eat us all alive so i stopped trying to be immortal
3.
sitting drunk man resting alcoholic | beverage chewing on blankets with his eyes oh! white walls white walls couldn't buy dull dreams (could they?) grey , grey , coloured pencils , grey there goes the jumping artist the roof shingles chilly his glass empty stuck on repeat & freezing parched dropping pebbles off of mountain tops creating avalanches in his mind drop the act it's a mirror distraction there's no love in his eyes there's some watered-down version life exists behind his veil , transparent & it's too bad no one is watching it's so obvious sour tongue | tainted flavour lies strike the sky! (which is forever , by the way) & no one asks why no one is around to know sitting drunk man loves no one
4.
suicidal 02:20
i'm suicidal but it should come as no surprise you can see it in my eyes some days it's fucking heavy it's a consequence of my reflexive consciousness & how i'm able to reflect upon my purpose as god death is normal just like breathing is normal just like i'm just an animal that knows it is an Ego nothing is certain but you shouldn't be afraid just like you shouldn't just behave cause someone told you to so take your clothes off & cry when you're upset & let your hair get wet on a rainy day why be so moral ? when nothing is forever & god will always win i can't wait to die i found a treasure map it says gina's in the north & you know you have your passport in your duffle bag
5.
i get so high that i hold my breath you know i might die like this the groaning guitar now resting on my bed makes out-of-tune sounds & could be touched by kinder hands hands linked to a conscience & an interest in the health of the strings for the sake of the instrument but i'm not trying to cater to some bourgeois ideals that stretching of pitch into a timid murmur better suits me the blue box is better as the bottom of a pool & i'm surrounded & submerged by ghosts & relatives my father's moral stoicism intimidates me because i cannot compete with his socially superior goodness & because i care at all the blue is a cell in which i strip naked to passively disappoint my father the air is thick with chalk dust & the smell of musk , collected by boots soaked in rain worn without a choice again & again & stale marijuana on the dresser top on the walls in my lungs on my pillow case morning & evening these relics remain definitive of my closed-door state a reflection of my fate the mirrored floor is stamped with sweat is the ceiling too & i'm treading circles into eternity into my silent city into my perfect asylum
6.
i've been listening to you on repeat so i can remember why i was living my life as a drunk to chase two brown eyes waking up from whiskey dreams with vodka in my cup it was never enough (i'm already where i belong) now i'm settling near the water where i feel as the tide unable to conquer my father as long as we're both alive my dirty feet wash the pavement my embrace is a lie don't ask me why i've been living my life as a jester trying to kill the king to reclaim my throne like a western at high noon , under sunbeams but i'm a moonlight dancer quiet & alone i'm already where i belong sw!
7.
i am a rainy winter i am a smiling sunset i am the ocean forced to repeat i am a torn umbrella i am a picnic basket i am the ocean a little differently i need a little poison i’ll take another whiskey pass out in the backseat i have big dreams i like my taste buds tainted i’m not an outward danger but when i gnash my teeth i want to kill myself the pitter-patter blood-splatter vomit – fucking – laughter isn’t poetry i’m condemned to be free who knows how much is too much ? it’s probably safe to say once i’ve kissed the floor maybe one more i want a love that’s reckless i want someone to fight me to the bitter end she tastes so sweet i woke up twice this morning first on the bathroom tile and when my friend caught me i laughed myself awake my blood is full of coffee my hands can’t keep my heart still i could be a martyr the way i feel today the pitter-patter blood-splatter vomit – fucking – laughter ‘til i don’t wake up refill my cup i’ve trouble being serious i’ve trouble being calm if you found an answer you’re probably wrong i laugh at children fighting i laugh at anxious mothers i’d rather be naked for this entire song

about

all of these songs were written & fully realised in "the blue box" (an SRO room in the TL, where i wrote chalk on the walls & got so high trying to fall asleep that i almost died) in late dècembre 2015; they were all recorded in matt kelly's studio--with the exception of "jean-paul (or refill my cup)" , which was recorded in spring 2015 in my parents' kitchen in orange county, in my underwear, as an iphone voice memo

credits

released August 2, 2016

grateful thanks to :

matt kelly - who recorded (with the exception of "jean-paul"), mixed, & mastered this album at BeerBox Recording | for his expert ear & meticulous demands of perfection | without whom, this album would not be what it has become | he is the godfather of my brainchild | i brought him a musical charmander & he trained it into a holographic charizard | if you'd like to work with matt, he can be reached at BeerBoxRecording@gmail.com

natalie moon - who sings on "moonlight dancer" | for bringing enhanced beauty & brightness to this otherwise dreary expression of isolation & Self

$RZ&$ - kev , derek , wayne , trace , & julian | for adopting me into their cult of poetry & inebriation | exactly the type of family an impoverished king needs | i love you

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about

themindbodyhearts Berlin, Germany

emo folk poetry

member of $RZ&$
possessor of nothing
god as flesh

zen | death | fate

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